正面管教工具丨Use encouragement instead of incentives 用鼓励代替激励

“Why are you so stupid?”

“你怎么这么笨?”

“I said a hundred times, why didn’t you just listen?”

“我说了一百次,你怎么就是不听呢?”

“You can’t do it if I say no!”

“我说不行就不行!”

“I don’t care about you anymore, just do whatever you want!”

“我再也不管你了,随你的便吧!”

“If you do this again, I don’t like you anymore.”

“你再这样,我就不喜欢你了。”

“If you take a test of 100 points, I will buy it for you!”

“你若考了100分,我就给你买”

“All children are the same, why are you inferior to others? You look at XX …”

“都是一样的孩子,你怎么就不如别人呢?你看看某某…”

“You just know how to play and don’t care about studying.”

“就知道玩,一提学习就没了精神。”

新时代的父母,可能不像我们的父母一辈那样,故意用这样的语言去“激励”孩子,以希望他从中得到反省与教训,但很多时候,这种激励的语言还是会脱口而出,给孩子带来伤害。很多错误,也都是以激励”的名义下回到孩子身上,他们不会因为惩弱带来的意识的决定来发展积极的品格,相反,他们会因为感觉糟糕而产生更多负面的情绪或行为,比如自我否定、叛逆、报复或老可怕均顺从等对于父母而言,想用激励的方式希望孩子做得更好,其实往往是因为他们不知道应该怎么做,很容易在过度控制与放纵这两种无效的方法中间来回切换,给孩子带来混乱。而现在我们知道,可以用鼓励代替“激励”。

换一种思维,当你希望孩子做得更好时,请用尊重与鼓励的方式对待孩子。这意味着你愿意去看见孩子的需求,接纳孩子的气馁,找到孩子值得鼓励的每一个小细节,即便达到再糟糕的情况,也要去鼓励孩子。

Parents in the new era may not deliberately use this language to “motivate” children like our parents’ generations, hoping that he will get reflection and lessons from them, but many times, this God-inspired language will still blurt out to children. Bring harm. Many mistakes are also returned to the children in the name of “incentive”. On the contrary, they will produce more because they feel bad. Negative emotions or behaviors, such as self-denial, rebellion, revenge, or old-fashioned obedience, etc. For parents, they want to use incentives to hope that children do better, in fact, often because they do not know what to do, it is easy Switching back and forth between these two ineffective methods of excessive control and indulgence can cause confusion to children. Now we know that encouragement can be used instead of “incentives.” Change your thinking. When you want your child to do better, please Treat children with respect and encouragement. This means that you are willing to see your child’s needs, accept your child’s discouragement, find every small detail that your child is worth encouraging, even if you get to the situation of nostalgia, you must encourage your child.

在养育孩子的过程中,“看到”其实是比“做到”更为重要的事情。如果仅仅是追求让孩子“儆到”,却没有“看到孩子,结果很可能会与我们的期望背道而驰。当然,家长不仅要看到孩子表面上的需求,更要看到孩子内心真正的望。在上文的案例中,豆豆不敢答“到”,他希望自已的害怕、犹豫和担心能被父母看到,能够得到安慰与鼓励。我告诉他,这很正常,不敢答“到”并不代表你就是一个不勇敢的孩子,相反,在很害怕的时候,你还愿意一次又一次地去尝试,这就是勇敢。当孩子真正的需求被看到时,他才会更加愿意去做接下来的事情,这时“做到”就变得水到渠成了。

In the process of raising children, “seeing” is actually more important than “doing”. If you are only pursuing to let your child “speak”, but do not “see the child, the result is likely to run counter to our expectations. Of course, parents should not only see the child’s apparent needs, but also see the child’s true hope in the heart. In the above case, Doudou did not dare to answer “to”. He hoped that his fears, hesitations and worries would be seen by his parents and would be comforted and encouraged. I told him that this was normal and he dared not answer. “To” does not mean that you are a child who is not brave. On the contrary, when you are afraid, you are willing to try again and again. This is bravery. When the child’s real needs are appreciates, he will be more willing to do the things, then “done” become a matter of course.